Real talk on aging, clothes that fit now, and confidence without the BS.

What’s your relationship with beauty like?

Do you ever feel caught between wanting to look a little more “put together” and not wanting to care too much? Do you want to feel better in your skin but judge yourself the minute you try?

You’re not alone.

For a long time, I felt like wanting to look good made me vain. That if I wore makeup, styled my hair, or dressed up just because, I was somehow being fake. Or worse, I was asking to be looked at.

So I lived in this weird tug-of-war:
Trying to feel attractive while telling myself that trying at all was “superficial.” Longing to glow with confidence… while making sure no one actually saw me.

If you’ve ever judged yourself for wanting to feel beautiful, or stopped yourself from showing up the way you really wanted to because it felt uncomfortable, indulgent, or even unsafe, this is for you.

My story? It looked a lot like that.

As a teen, I tried. (Yep, buckle up, we’re totally going back that far).

Makeup, tight clothes, hairspray, the works. I picked myself apart. I pushed things up (ugh!). I wore things too small. All in the name of trying to look… better.

But at the same time? I kind of resented the whole thing.

I’d see other girls, fully done up, beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but I’d just roll my eyes and think; “She’s trying too hard.” or “What a fake!” Yes, the younger me was very judgy.

I didn’t want to be her, to be judged like I judged her. I wanted to be me. So I pulled back. Deep down I convinced myself that taking care of my body, my skin, hair, clothes, etc, meant I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. That I would be seen as shallow, weak, or even insecure. So I pushed back. Hard.

What I didn’t realize was I was still hiding and disconnecting. Still trying to shape how I was seen, without ever actually seeing myself.

So for years, I bounced between two extremes:

I wore makeup, but felt guilty about it.
I bought clothes that made me feel attractive, but rarely wore them.
I told myself I was “natural” while quietly envying the women who glowed with confidence.

I was in a war with myself and no matter what I did, I always felt like I was losing.

And then came the “Frump Years”

Midlife hit, and without even realizing it, I started shrinking. Not literally, but energetically.

Same ponytail, same jeans, same tops. No makeup. No effort. I told myself I didn’t really care about it. But over time, the reflection in the mirror stopped looking like me and I realized something.

It wasn’t the superficial, vanity based metric I had been telling myself I didn’t care about. What I’d actually been doing was programming myself to believe that I didn’t care about “me”. As in all of me, my needs, wants, desires… it was all superficial and vain. That was a brutal realization.

The mind is a funny thing.
What we tell ourselves, especially what we tell ourselves in the mirror, it matters.

Time for a change

I didn’t want to look 25. I didn’t want to impress anyone or prove anything. I just wanted to feel good in my body. I wanted the physical form of me to match how I really felt about myself on the inside. I didn’t want to hide my glow and all the inner work I’d done.

Plus, I had kids at this point. And they deserved to see their mom feel confident, energetic, and yes, physically put together. I wanted to model for them what positive self-care and self-love looks like. Not by someone else’s standard, but by their own. Because when we care for ourselves intentionally, we feel different. We show up differently. And that is a habit worth passing on.

So, what exactly did I do? Simple really.

I gave myself permission to feel good. To take care of myself. To take up space again. I told that teenage version of me, it’s okay. We can be beautiful and look beautiful at the same time. We’re not faking anything.

But it wasn’t all just about appearance. It was about alignment. About feeling connected to myself. About living from the inside out—not just dressing the part, but finally stepping into it.

Now, when I take a few extra minutes to do my hair, or wear clothes that actually fit my body, or put on a swipe of mascara just because… I stand differently. I speak differently. I live differently.

It’s not about being seen by others but rather, it’s about finally seeing myself. Not the version of me I’m trying to prove something with. And not the version of me hiding out in the background. But the real me.

And she deserves to show up.

What About You?

If you’ve been hiding behind “this is just how I am”… or telling yourself that putting effort into how you look is shallow… I want you to ask yourself something:

How are you showing up for yourself?

What would it feel like to show up just 10% more like the version of you who feels good in her body? Not just physically, but emotionally, energetically, intentionally?

Not the one chasing approval. Not the one chasing youth.
But the one who isn’t afraid to look like herself and actually like what she sees.

There’s nothing wrong with ponytails and joggers. But if you’re using them to blend into the background of your own life, maybe it’s time to ask why.

You don’t need a wardrobe overhaul.
You don’t need flawless skin.
You just need the willingness to care for yourself like you matter.

And if that starts with a swipe of mascara, or a 3-step skincare routine or a dress that makes you want to twirl around your kitchen…

Then maybe that’s not superficial at all.

Maybe that’s self-respect.

Janel Stewart

Let’s Begin

Like what you’re reading? Subscribe below for more tips, insights, and stories delivered right to your inbox.